I'm really into asian looking animals
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
