I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
