You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
