I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
