So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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