Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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