Barsexuality is the new black.
someone owes me an orgasm
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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