I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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