I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
