he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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