How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
