I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
