8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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