At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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