Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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