Your face is a jimmy john
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
