So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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