they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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