I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
