9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I believe in your delicious
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
