I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
