Umm I'm too high to move.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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