addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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