he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
