Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just pee around me
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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