Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
