good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i may or may not be watching the land before time
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
