wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
