I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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