I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
