Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
