so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
