Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
