good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
