sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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