I want to stick my p in your. b.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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