Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
