I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
There's always time for handjobs
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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