If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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