Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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