I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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