the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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