last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
