party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
