Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
