I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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