I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
