Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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