For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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