i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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