im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize