I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
