if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
