had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
