My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Randomize
