I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
