if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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