Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Sober January is a disaster.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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