Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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