I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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