I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
