I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
