Where is the hickey?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
