This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
