I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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